Tom Muha: Respect is crucial for achieving happiness

Respect – starting with self-respect – is crucial for achieving happiness. Not respecting yourself allows external forces to determine your fate. Self-respect is listening to that little voice of your inner guide – the spiritual aspect that connects you to your core values.

If you’re not firmly anchored in a set of guiding principles, you’ll make expedient choices that give you immediate gratification rather than authentic happiness. You’ll disrespect your body, plying it with food, drugs, alcohol, and tobacco.

You’ll disrespect your mind by keeping it closed, unable to learn because you’ll think you already know. You’ll disrespect your emotions because you’ll often be pessimistic, looking for what’s wrong and finding it.

If you’re disrespectful to others, you’ll end up unloved as you drive people away by focusing on all of their imperfections, making everyone miserable. Blaming, avoiding, withdrawing, criticizing, or humiliating someone is disrespectful. Ignoring an opportunity to show respect is considered to be a slight.

When people lose touch with their values, they become self-centered, self-absorbed, and self-protective. Being focused on themselves generates disrespect toward others, in part because people tend to get what they want at first and in part because being disrespectful justifies their selfish behavior.

Disrespectful people have only their best interest in mind. To get their own way they want to manipulate people by presenting their opinions as fact and distortions as reality. Disrespect is shown by interrupting, insisting, debating, denying, dismissing, and disagreeing.

If you’re feeling disrespected by what someone’s saying, evaluate what you’re hearing by examining their words in written form. This is the power of newspapers. Reading someone’s statements makes clear thinking visible. It can also reveal faulty thinking when someone’s words are confusing, contradictory or lack the evidence that supports the contention being asserted.

Self-respect develops when people live according to their values. When others resonate with those actions a respectful connection is created. Respect in relationships expands when people recognize the values that they have in common and the worth of the connection they share. That awareness spirals relationships up into exchanges characterized by behaviors that signal appreciation, admiration, and esteem, all of which encapsulate the core elements of respect.

In his book “The Happiness Hypothesis,” psychologist Jonathan Haidt reveals research which has found that human beings are born with five inherent values:

As adults, Haidt discovered, most people adhere to the first two core values, but almost half of the American population largely abandon the last three. Other studies show that as many as 15-20% of people in our society do not live according to any of these values.

Studies show that disrespect leads people to mistakenly perceive people to be foes. These misjudgments are made when we restrict our thinking to dwelling on doubt, mistrust, and dismissal of others rather than getting to know someone. The most common thought error humans make is jumping to conclusions based on prejudice, misinformation, distortion of the facts, or unchecked fears that unconsciously contaminate everyone’s judgment.

To correct this bias that’s hardwired in the self-protective mechanisms we all have, it’s essential to engage in thoughtful dialogue, demonstrate empathy for the feelings of others, carefully consider the evidence that others present, and correct our thinking when it’s not supported by the facts.

That requires focusing on others more than ourselves, using inquiry more than advocacy, and appreciating the positive parts of people rather than highlighting their negative traits.

The worst form of disrespect occurs when someone tries to violate our core values. Think about how you feel when someone is uncaring, unfair, unkind, uncooperative, unlawful, or uncontrolled. You’re likely outraged by their behavior and have a deep sense that their actions are fundamentally wrong.

Showing others respect requires action: paying attention to them by listening to what they have to say, responding to their good news with positive energy, reacting to their bad news with empathy, and recognizing the worthwhile contributions they bring to our life.

Respect is based on the belief that it’s important that people listen to each other, comprehend what’s important to each of them, and understand how that translates into meaningful actions that lead to a win-win outcome. One path creates contention, chaos, and catastrophe while the other leads to connection, collaboration, and cooperation.